The shuttle dropped us off, and we waited. And waited. And waited. After 10 minutes, I was in so much pain from the cold. I was sure that my ears were frost-bitten and falling off my head. 20 minutes went by. I couldn't feel my feet or my hands. It was time for me to quit. I walked off the platform, took the free shuttle back to to Van Dorn, the metro back to Springfield, and the car back to the house.
You know those times when you get super creative or inspired to do something but you're not sure what to do with yourself? That was me when I got back home. I listened to "Coffee with Chris," which is Christine Caine's weekly podcast, played guitar, reviewed memory verses, and brainstormed for potential tattoo designs while listening to to Bethel worship.
One memory verse struck me in a new way. It was Ecclesiastes 9:10, and it said, "Whatever you do, do well. For when you go to the grave, there will be no work or planning or knowledge or wisdom." I wanted to read more. I wanted to know just how I could do whatever I'm doing "well." As some of you may know, Ecclesiastes is not the most encouraging book of the Bible. A wise man, the teacher, goes on and on about the injustices, the ironies, the uncertainties, and the futilities of life. Ecclesiastes 9:11 hit me hard:
"I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time."
Chance. Really? That's comforting. Am I not an exception to this? I know that the Lord has told me to go to law school. My law school career… my LIFE, for goodness sake... surely can't just be left up to chance. Why do I want a law degree? Is it even my passion? Wait, does passion matter? What if I can't do it? I've never really had to fight for anything in my life. Failure has usually been a sign for me to pursue something else. But this calling to go to law school is different. If I fail, I can't just walk off the platform and go back home. If I fail, I'll actually have to keep trying.
I'll admit it. At this point, I'm crying. I'm just so afraid. I'm afraid that I won't succeed the first time. I'm afraid that I'll have to keep trying. I'm afraid that I'll have to fight. A person can't just give up on something that the Creator, the Master, the King has asked them to do. I can't just quit.
God graciously and patiently answered some of my questions this afternoon. You want a law degree because you want to serve me. The passion that matters is your passion to use your gifts and abilities for my glorify. If you can't do it, I'm still faithful. I won't lead you to destruction.
Leaving life up to "chance" means knowing that God will put you in the right place at the right time. He knows our decisions before we make them and the paths of our lives before we take them. He works all things together for the good of those who love him. In rain or shine, death or life, scarcity or abundance, a life abandoned to the Lord is no waste. Whatever I do, I'll do it well-- not just out of obedience but out of love. Love for the God who sees me. Love for the God who knows me better than I know myself. Love for the God who gave his son so that all the world could know him.
When law school (or life) gets tough, I'm deciding to do exactly what I did last summer after a long and frustrating day of studying for the LSAT. I'm going to crawl into the driver seat of my car, turn my key in the ignition, lift up my hands, close my eyes, and say to the King, "I don't know what you're doing, but I'm choosing to obey. I know you've called me to this so I'm giving it all I've got. The rest is all You."
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